The Legacy Continues…

Today is the anniversary of my father’s passing. It has me feeling reflective of my childhood and my relationship with my Dad. It was not exactly all a bed of roses.

I am the youngest of four children. We grew up in Flushing, NY in an attached brick two-family dwelling. My Grandmother and my Aunt Jo lived in the upstairs five room “house,” and we had the main floor (also five rooms). We had a full basement too, so it was a very nice set-up. I have great memories of family parties with lots of cousins, Aunts, Uncles, food and laughter in that house. And, I absolutely loved to roller skate on the basement floor going round and round in circles while holding onto a pole until I was dizzy. True fun!

My mother was a working mom which wasn’t very common when I was a a child. She had a management position with the New York Telephone Company. She was the smartest and wittiest person I have ever known even though her schooling only included completing high school.

My father was an insurance salesman for Prudential. He had a serious drinking problem. I was clueless to this as a child but as I got older and understood what was going on I became extremely resentful of him. I once had my mom attend a therapy session with me when I was in my twenties. The therapist asked her about my father’s drinking and the impact it had on me, she said, “Loretta tends to exaggerate; Yes, he had a bad spell from about 1963 to 1978.” I was born in 1960 which means his “spell” spanned my entire childhood.

He got sober in 1978. While I was extremely proud of him and actually incredulous that he pulled it off, I wasn’t exactly ready to open my arms and welcome him “back” right away. It took me a couple of years of therapy and working on myself before that became an option.

My mother was relentless in her support of my father during his bad “spell.” We spent countless nights searching for him and finding him in bars and making him come home. When he was mandated to rehab by his job, I spent countless conversations with my Mom asking her to leave him. She was already the breadwinner, so, financially, she (we) would be fine, but she always told me “no.” When I think back to those days I feel very badly for putting my mom in that position. She already had enough on her plate and here I was pestering her. In hindsight, I truly regret initiating those conversations.

My father remained sober from that rehab stint until the day he died. My mother, unfortunately began suffering from congestive heart failure about ten years after my dad got sober. There were many trips back and forth to the hospital and a bunch of “nearlies.” And, my father was there through it all doting on my mother and encouraging her to get well. The tables had turned and my dad was now taking care of my mom. It became obvious to me why my mother would never leave him. They shared a love and commitment to each other that was inspiring.

There was a time when they would rent a house in Florida with my mom’s sisters and stay for a month. One year, I went to visit them there and my mom was not feeling well. I will never forget the look of love in my father’s eyes as he asked her “what can I do for you?” It actually startled me it was so intense. I remember thinking to myself, wow, I am seeing true love in action.

I am very happy that I made peace with my Dad, or amends, as it is called. I was able to let go of my resentments and have a good relationship with him. He was great with my kids and was affectionately called G-Pa by all his grandchildren. My mom passed from a heart attack ten years prior to my dad succumbing to Leukemia. With Mom gone, Dad moved to Floral Park and had quite a racket going. He had dinner every other day with one of us and we sent him home with leftovers for the following day. I do not think he ever turned the oven on in his apartment!

Dad continued to remain opinionated till the very end which made for many a lively conversation at our dinners. As his body failed him from the Leukemia, he was the epitome of grace. He fought hard and didn’t complain. It really was quite remarkable.

When I was in high school, I was tasked by a religion teacher to write my own obituary. I was the only student in the grade that didn’t write “survived by spouse.” This triggered a series of events where I had to go see a guidance counselor because it seemed alarming to everyone. It was true that I was not able to envision myself married when I was in high school. I had witnessed the difficulties my mom was enduring and I didn’t want any part of it. In true Irish fashion, I never told anyone at the school that; I simply maintained that I wanted to be a career woman. I could never share intimate details of my family life! (Which may be a blog for a later date, lol.)

We took a family vacation to Long Beach Island the year after Dad passed. The beach pictures I have included in this post are from that time. We rented a large house (on Dad’s dime) right on the water and it was truly a wonderful family gathering. The oldest grandchild, Melissa even got engaged while we were there. What a fitting tribute to our parents! The night before we were to leave, while we were having happy hour on our roof deck, the above rainbow appeared. I think it was our parents letting us know how happy they were with all of us.

As sappy as it sounds, I firmly believe the legacy my parents left us was how to love. Love is a true commitment and my parents were an exemplary example of it. They remained together through all sorts of challenges. It was a bumpy ride at times but they never wavered in their love for each other. What an example they set!

I am happy to report my high school obituary was totally incorrect. Mike and I will be married 29 years this December. Danny and Claire will be celebrating 40 years this September. Kevin and Anna and Mary and John have been married 35 and 38 years respectively. That is a grand total of 142 years of marriage! I’d say we Kennedy kids are definitely continuing our parent’s legacy. God bless Joyce and Dan.