My friend has been diagnosed with Breast Cancer; now what?

It is never easy to hear that a friend (or loved one) has been diagnosed with breast cancer. What a nightmare, right?

If that’s your initial response, consider how awful your friend feels. She’s scared, she’s uncertain about her options, and she probably feels as if she is living in a dream. I say this because it is exactly how I felt.

Nothing seems real. This couldn’t possibly be happening to me; I am too young. Holy crap, will I survive? All valid yet complicated feelings seem to wash over you like a tsunami. Breast cancer slams you right smack in the face. There’s no subtlety or sugar-coating involved.

As a friend, the best thing you can do is be supportive. Make sure your friend has a champion in you. Is she married? Will her spouse attend doctor appointments with her and act as her advocate? It’s vital that right at the start, the cancer patient has a true ally. Could it be you?

Diagnosed with Breast Cancer

There will be times when doctors say things your friend will not hear (because she may not want to). Treatment decisions will need to be made. Someone needs to remain clear and level-headed. More often than not, the patient will struggle with this. That is why I recommend the patient never attends doctor appointments alone.

Can the spouse take charge? It can be very tricky for the family during early diagnosis. Some spouses go into denial mode. They believe breast cancer is such a curable disease that surely their wife will beat it and quickly move on.

Meanwhile, the wife has become paralyzed and convinces herself she is dying. These are issues that the couple needs to deal with on their own. As a friend, you’ll need to tread lightly while they navigate through this.

No cancer journeys are identical, but each one benefits when family and friends are involved. There is so much to do besides fighting cancer! Grocery shopping, house cleaning, cooking, and laundry still need to be done. Are there children involved that require rides to school, piano lessons, or baseball practices?

Do they have “littles” that need a full-time babysitter? Can they visit Grandma’s or an Aunt for a little while?

If there are older children, can they be assigned some of these chores? Can they help younger siblings with homework? Are they old enough to drive mom to doc appointments? If possible, everyone in the family should take on a role. It will make mom feel relieved that things are being handled and make everyone else feel good that they are doing something to help.

You Are Not Helpless

It may sound crazy, but every cancer patient needs a business manager to step up and get things done. There are a lot of tasks that need to be organized.

One of the worst parts of being a family member or close friend during someone’s cancer journey is feeling helpless. You cannot take the side effects away; you can’t schedule a remission, but, you can take some of their “load” on and ease their worry about running a household.

While this may not seem like something big, it is huge! Doing this allows your friend to focus all her energy on fighting cancer. The sooner someone can take charge, the better.

Side note: There are various apps available that can be set up for providing meals to the family. You can try https://www.signupgenius.com/online-meal-volunteer-sheets or use Google Search to find one that works for you.

Once your friend has a treatment plan in place, you can start working on getting her to and from doctor appointments. When someone asks, “Is there anything I can do to help?” be sure and say yes. Then, be prepared to offer them an assignment.

While all this preparation and support for the physical issues are being coordinated, remember to be careful how you speak with your friend regarding her diagnosis.

The last thing she needs to hear is how your mother survived cancer three times! It was amazing how many people wanted to tell me stories of relatives, friends, and neighbors (you name them) who had cancer more than once and survived.

I suppose this was to make me feel hope; however, I could barely accept that I had cancer at the moment, let alone think about having it more than once. That was way too overwhelming!

Try and Avoid These Minimizing Comments

• “You’ll be fine; cancer treatment has come a long way.”
• “You’re a strong woman, you will beat this.”
• “Hey, maybe you’ll lose some weight.”
• “I always thought it would be cool to shave my head.”
• “You are so brave!”
• “I’d love to get a boob job!”

Be a good listener. Allow your friend to voice all of her concerns to you. Do not interject your opinions; just listen. It is very important that you get your friend to verbalize how she would like to be supported on her journey. Does she mind if everyone knows about her condition?

Or, would she prefer that only close friends and family be informed? Remember that the more people know about the situation, the more helpers can be involved. “Many hands make light work.”

Below is a listing of a few acts of kindness I enjoyed while on my journey. I cannot explain how uplifting these things were for me. Typically, the doorbell would ring, and these items would magically appear on our front stoop.

Welcome Acts of Kindness

• A couple of balloons tied to our outside banister wishing me well
• A McDonald’s Diet Coke (my absolute favorite)
• Box of inspirational quotes
• A hot Sicilian pizza
• Random “thinking of you” texts from people
• Surprise small gifts in the mail (i.e., cards, coffee cake, journal, mug, dry skin creme)

I was also very fortunate to receive larger gifts that made me feel special. My church sent a lovely prayer shawl perfect for when I felt a chill in the house. One of my best friends gave me the softest blanket in the world that I used for napping on the couch. Friends established prayer chains for me, and my parish placed me on the prayers for the sick list.

Gift cards for dinner were dropped off regularly (and we used every one). My cousins sent me travel luggage for when I felt better and could take a vacation. I received angels to hang on my doorknob and inspirational framed quotes for my wall. And, much more!

Combined, all of these things made me feel loved. They inspired me to keep fighting no matter how hard it got. I was humbled by the outpouring of love I received.

Be One of Your Friend’s Allies

My cancer journey was not an easy one. There were some serious bumps along the way. However, I am coming up on my 4th cancer-free anniversary. I could not have fought the battle alone. I had many allies that pushed me, listened to me, and held my hand along the way. Truly, they were angels sent from God to help me recover.

There really is a lot you can do when a friend gets diagnosed with cancer. The most important thing is to do something. Avoiding your friend because you do not know what to say is hurtful. Be one of their allies! Call them and let them know you are thinking of them and want to support them. That will make their day!

Does any of this resonate with you? Or, do you have any suggestions to share? Leave a comment and let me know.

The ideas and recommendations I have been suggesting in this post are based on my personal preference as a cancer patient. I am not a professional in the cancer field. I am sharing what worked for me in the hopes of them working for you too.