How To Stop Worrying About Grown Children

My husband and I have two children; they are 24 and 19 years old. I find I have more angst about them today than ever before. And yes, I know it’s time I learned how to stop worrying about grown children.

When our children were little, I worried about their development. Will they walk and talk when they are supposed to? Will they make a friend in kindergarten? Standard, benign worries that every mother (or father) has when they have littles.

But they don’t stay little very long. Before you know it, your child is practicing driving and taking their road test. They get their first job. Suddenly, they have access to money that you do not control. What are they going to buy with it?

Worrying Is Hard to Curtail

They ask to sleep over at a friend’s house, and you have no relationship with that friend’s parents. Your rules may not be their rules. Do you trust your child will make good decisions during the sleepover, or do you call the parent and find out their plan for the kids?

Over the years, you are faced with situations and scenarios while parenting children you have no control over. You need to trust that you instilled the correct values in your child and allow them to take responsibility for themselves. It’s one of the hardest things you’ll ever have to do.

It is the ultimate in conflicting emotions. You want them to be independent and spread their wings, yet you still want to be there in case they need you. There’s a fine line between hovering and caring; I feel like I walk it daily.

Grown Children Love to Gloat

I chuckle when I remember the years when my kids thought they knew everything and we were just stupid parents. There was a time when I let them believe that and even acted slightly stupid. They took joy in pointing out how they “got over” on me; however, they just confirmed what I had known all along.

Reflecting on parenting has made me think about my mother. She was smart, yet I naively assumed I had “pulled the wool over her eyes.” Now I know that was doubtful. She knew when I snuck in after curfew, even though I said I was home on time the following day. She was picking and choosing her battles with me. Boy, can I relate!

My mom encouraged me to be truthful with her. There were times when I told her I was going to a keg party in the park. Many of my friends concocted elaborate plans to keep the truth from their parents. My mom always knew where I was. She never condoned what I was doing and always told me, “Be careful and don’t do anything stupid.” Those words became embedded in my brain and definitely impacted my decisions. I have kept up the tradition and always say the same thing to Erin and Michael!

Worrying Whether our Kids Will Need Therapy

Am I doing a good job parenting? I hope so, although I frequently question myself. I often wonder how many years of therapy they will need after growing up with us! It stinks that there is no textbook for parents to follow. How could there be when everyone has their own journey in life? Still, I would have loved a cheat sheet when the kids were little.

My kids are growing up in a far different world than I did. There are pressures brought on through social media that are difficult to navigate. It’s hard to offer them advice when I have no experience dealing with it at their age. I once had a conversation with my son about a girl he frequently spoke with on the phone. I asked if she was his girlfriend, and he told me he wasn’t “talking talking” to her; he was just “talking” to her. So, no, she was not his girlfriend. He said this with a straight face. Unbelievable!

My daughter lives in Fairfield, Connecticut. She works full-time at Sacred Heart University and is working on her MBA. She is a planner, and I worry that her well-intentioned plans may not all come to fruition. Sometimes God has other plans. Yet, she has amazed me with all the goals she has already achieved, so I wonder, am I just worrying for the sake of worrying? Yep, and that’s just silly. I innately know she’ll do great!

My son lives at home with us. He works in construction. He is the go-to guy in his friend group when someone is in trouble. While I am very proud of that fact, I still wonder how he got that moniker. Best I don’t know the whole story, right?

He is a great kid. Children love him, and he has such empathy for kids with special needs. He is still “feeling his oats” in life, but he is smart and a hard worker, so I know he will succeed in whatever path he chooses. Admittedly, I sleep better once I hear him get home at night. If he were away at college, I would have no clue what he was doing, but I still worry about him since he lives at home. Is that allowed since he is only nineteen?

“There really are places in the heart you don’t even know exist until you love a child.”

Anne Lamott

Suggestions From Experts to Stop Worrying

Do you have grown children that you continue to worry about? Does it ever end? It needs to. I found an article that offers five tips to help you stop worrying about your grown children. https://secondwindmovement.com/worrying-adult-children/. Here are the five suggestions the article offers:

• #1 Give them space — give them the chance to learn from their mistakes
• #2 Offer emotional & practical support — strengthen your bond by offering support when it’s needed
• #3 Respect their independence — trust them to make their own decisions
• #4 Avoid judgment & criticism  — if your child is struggling, don’t further burden them
• #5 Focus on the present moment  — instead of worrying about the past or the future, stay in the present

Have Faith in Yourself

It’s time to have faith in yourself. Since you (and hubby) raised your children, you already know they can deal with life. You are the ones that taught them right from wrong. And you set examples for them on how to be kind and treat others respectfully. Most importantly, you loved them and encouraged them to be themselves. How could they possibly not succeed? It’s time to relax and enjoy watching them navigate their adult lives. You have already done your part; now it’s their time to shine. Be proud of them, support them, and keep your mouth shut as much as possible!

Now, if only I could take my own advice…

As usual, please leave me a comment below if I have said anything that resonates with you. I’d love to hear how you handle worrying about your children.