How I Push Through Painful Cancer Memories Every Year

How I push through painful cancer memories every year is always a challenge. Once a year, I have to return to the “scene of the crime,” or the place where I was initially diagnosed with breast cancer. It brings back all the feels.

Sure, the staff is lovely, and the doctor is great, but the feelings brought on by my annual mammogram/sonogram tests are brutal. I thought by now I would be used to it. However, the fear is still powerful when I walk into Complete Women’s Imaging Center.

Like clockwork, the feelings of dread start weeks before my appointment. Random thoughts pop into my head that catch me off-guard. It’s one of the reasons why I focus on outwitting life.

Random Cancer Thoughts

• If it’s raining on the day of my appointment, will I find a parking spot close to the building?
• How will I tell my husband and children if my cancer has returned?
• I hope I remember not to wear deodorant.
• Will I have to take the same chemo if the cancer is back?
• Will the dressing gowns still be pink? Gosh, I hate pink.
• OMG, I need to write down a list of all my passwords for my husband in case cancer kills me.
• I hope I die at home instead of some hospice place.
• Should I celebrate or have a party if I am cancer-free?
• Could I possibly die before the Little Woman?

Yes, I have had all these thoughts and so many more. I am crazy!

Push Through Cancer Memories

The weird thing for me is what I remember about my cancer experience. As many of you know, a kidney stone caused me to go into sepsis shock during my radiation treatments. It almost killed me.

A consistent memory of mine during that time is my friend Denise waving to me from the hallway when I was in ICU. I also remember having a main-line put in by two doctors that were squabbling the whole time on how to do it. It was like watching a bad comedy show; only I was not laughing because I was in so much pain.

I remember having a stent put in without anesthesia and arguing with the doctor about being “put under.” He finally yelled at me that I wouldn’t survive anesthesia, and this was the only way to save my life. It was a shocking scenario and something I couldn’t possibly forget. It still gives me nightmares. (It also introduced me to Ambien, lol.)

There is an alarm sound from a particular machine that I cannot get out of my head. Sometimes I have to change the channel if I hear it while watching Chicago Med. It goes through me like nails on a chalkboard and immediately spikes my blood pressure.

So many invisible scars haunt me from the date of diagnosis until my last radiation treatment on May 25th, 2017. If people knew the thoughts in my head, they would commit me. Luckily, I have learned a few tricks to silence the madness.

The most effective trick for me is to imagine a steel trap door in my head. When scary thoughts creep in, I slam the door shut to keep them out. Recently, my therapist suggested I take all my bad thoughts and place them in a garbage bag and then take out the trash. Love this! Both of these visualizations work for me.

Do you have any tricks for squashing crazy thoughts in your head? Here’s an interesting article that discusses guided imagery and its benefits. https://www.healthline.com/health/guided-imagery

I use guided imagery all the time. It works for many situations; it is excellent for anxiety, depression, and any uncomfortable physical or mental problem that you may experience.

When the chemo pain was terrible, I’d make our den as dark as possible, lie down on the couch under a comfy blanket and listen to guided imagery tapes. It was amazing how effective they worked for me.

Eventually, I found the image that worked best for me – the beach. I’ve trained myself to close my eyes and see the sand and waves while hearing seagulls and smelling the ocean. The sky is always a magnificent blue with little puffy clouds. Doesn’t that sound lovely?

The beach visualization is top of mind right now, as last Thursday was my yearly mammogram/sonogram appointment. And, I do not have to divulge my passwords to my husband! My scans were clear, so I have officially made it to the five-year cancer-free mark!

Another year of NED (no evidence of disease) in the books! I am so grateful to be at this point in my cancer journey. I plan to buy myself a mini cake on May 25th (the anniversary of my last treatment) and spend some time at the beach. It will be wonderful to be there in person!

We all know that side effects have plagued me, and being NED is just one notch in the belt. But, I am still going to celebrate it. Unless I get hit by a bus before May 25th – oh boy, excuse me while I slam the trap door shut. Do you see how that happens?

If anything I’ve written resonates with you, kindly leave me a comment below. Also, I am curious to know if any of you practice guided imagery and how it works for you. Happy Tuesday!