Cancer and Thanksgiving Just Don’t Jive

In November of 2016, breast cancer entered my life. Why did it have to be November? As a nation, November is the month we celebrate Thanksgiving. It is the time of year we practice gratitude. We gather with friends and family, we share a huge meal and eat way too much. Our drinks become pumpkin or spice-flavored; ditto on pies and donuts too. We decorate our homes with lovely smelling candles and fall-foliage swags. There are pumpkins on the front stoop and scarecrows and bales of hay on the lawn. Everything is so festive in November. I used to love this month! Now, it reminds me of cancer, and I don’t like it.

The logical part of my brain tells me I should brush aside all thoughts of cancer and be grateful I am alive and able to celebrate Thanksgiving. You just thought that, didn’t you? I know, because that is what I think too. Yet, it is so difficult for me to do that, and therein lies the irony. Did God plan for this diagnosis in November, so I would be forced each November to reflect on my gratitude for His allowing me to get better? In the scheme of things, what difference does it make what month my diagnosis happened? Why do I even think of these things? Because cancer messes with your thoughts. Well, at least, my thoughts.

I believe cancer is the disease that just keeps on coming at you. Every time I experience a health issue, I automatically attribute it to side-effects of chemotherapy. In some cases, I am right, but not all the time. I dread having to go to the doctor because I am so afraid they are going to find signs of a recurrence.

Things feel much more complicated now. When I had cancer, I focused on fighting it. I did everything the doctors told me; I had surgery, chemotherapy, and radiation treatments. Thank God, this destroyed the cancer cells! Now that the disease itself is in remission, I have to figure out a way to conquer the negative thoughts I experience. Being a positive person by nature, having negative thoughts is so foreign to me. I have this terrible fear of feeling like a victim. Why did I get cancer? What did I do to deserve it, blah, blah blah. If I allow one negative thought into my brain, there’s a whole army of other thoughts ready to march right in there too. I never anticipated this “after-effect” of cancer. It’s as if the disease itself becomes the least of your worries. I am 2.5 years post-treatment for goodness sakes! My day should not include any thoughts regarding cancer. As of now, I’ve beat it. So, why won’t it go away? It’s like a gnat on a hot Summer day.

I am wondering if this “phase” applies to anyone who has suffered a serious illness? Perhaps this has nothing to do with cancer and it is merely human survival mode after trauma. I’m not sure that makes me feel any better. Although, it would mean there are more survivors out there with opinions they can share. Does any of this resonate with you? If you have experienced some sort of trauma in your life, do you struggle to stay positive?

When you part from your friend, grieve not; For that which you love the most in him is clearer in his absence, like the mountain to the climber is clearer from the plain.

Khalil Gibran, The Prophet

I had the unfortunate pleasure of attending a high-school friend’s memorial mass this past weekend. The ceremony was lovely, and the church was stunning. The fact that he was my age and chose to take his own life is impossible for me to understand. I spent over two years fighting for my life. How could he possibly want to end his? I am the first to admit that I have no clue what thoughts were marching through his head. I would, however, have to conclude they were not favorable and uplifting. I had the privilege of seeing him this past summer at a charity event. He looked terrific, and we had a couple of pleasant conversations during the event. He appeared to be doing quite well. He was blessed to have childhood friends he still socialized with regularly. Outward appearances are so deceiving! His passing leaves his friends and family with so many “what ifs?” I pray that he has found peace and that those that loved him find peace as well. The fact that he is gone hurts my heart.

My apologies for such a dark post today. I really needed to get this swirling negativity out of my head and onto paper in order to let it go. Normally, I am one of the most positive women you could meet. My brain automatically points towards the positives in life. When that stops, I no longer feel like myself. It is unsettling. I would love to burst into Frozen’s “Let it Go” and “turn my frown upside down.” If only it was that easy! Thanks for letting me vent. I hope to be back on my game soon.