Can Tragedies Result in Positive Change?

Tragedies can make or break us, depending on how we handle them. But, can tragedies result in positive change? I believe so, but I think a “catch” goes with it.

Being the logically minded person I am, I would assume that anything that sparks positive change would be good. But, what if it’s not? What if it is a tragedy? Could a tragedy be manipulated into a good thing?

Breast cancer survivors debate this fairly often. One side feels having breast cancer makes them a better person. The flip side thinks cancer forced them to change unwillingly, which keeps them angry.

There is no right or wrong answer here.

This debate intrigues me. I am currently a few months shy of my five-year NED (no evidence of disease) anniversary. And after five years, I understand both sides. I believe therein lies the “catch” I mentioned earlier.

The “catch” is whether or not you have allowed yourself to embrace and accept change in response to your tragedy.

Embracing Tragedies is Difficult

For me, breast cancer changed everything. I lost my executive-level corporate job, which forced us to downsize our home and drastically change our family lifestyle. My self-identity went poof overnight.

There was no time to think about these changes’ impact when they occurred because my number one priority was fighting cancer. But, after the treatments ended and I found myself starting over in a new (much smaller) house and neighborhood, I became irate.

And then I became depressed. I was so uncomfortable with my feelings. Being upbeat and ready to conquer the world was my personality. Where did I go? Where’s the half-full glass I was drinking? I was lost.

No one had died. However, I was going through the stages of grief. Not only was I not prepared for this, but I also didn’t realize grief was what was happening to me. Thank goodness I had the sense to seek therapy to work through everything!

Eventually, I realized that I needed to choose to accept and embrace these changes, or I’d become bitter and live out an angry life. That certainly did not appeal to me. I chose to embrace change and I started by focusing on outwitting life.

I am continually surprised at how many people cannot accept change. But, I recognize that some change seems impossible to handle. Yet, people do it, and I am in complete awe of them. They inspire me.

Find Your Motivation

Since I had no job while going through cancer treatment, I had lots of time to think about my situation. My mother’s words, “there is always someone worse than you,” kept swirling through my thoughts. I started thinking about friends that were dealing with tragedies. I prayed for them each time I began to feel sorry for myself.

Surely I could do the same; if others can endure tragedies and use them towards something good, then I can too. There were two people in particular that I used as my motivation. I have never spoken about this before. They both unknowingly helped me so much.

Dick Keeling is a friend I made while attending Marist College (a long, long time ago). He broke his neck in high school and became a quadriplegic. Despite that, he still opted to attend college. I had no prior experience with anyone like him.

He was so handsome (still is) that I found him a bit intimidating at first. He became terrific friends with Mike McCarthy, a childhood friend who also attended Marist. We formed our “crew” of male and female friends between Mike and me, and Dick was one of them.

I could write a book about all the fun adventures our crew shared, but I will spare you those details. The fact that we are all still friends over forty years later is all you need to know.

Dick graduated, got married (to a fellow Marist student), had a child, and worked for the IRS for thirty-some-odd years. His story sounds exactly like most of ours, but he accomplished all these things with limited physical abilities. It was way harder for him than us.

He endured and embraced his challenges to lead a whole life and currently enjoys retirement in Florida. Towards the end of this year, he will watch his daughter Kat get married. How wonderful for him and Jeanne!

Dick has always inspired me. I used him for motivation many times, not just during my cancer battle. I cannot thank him enough for his impact on my life. I wonder how many other friends he has had this effect on as well?

The other person I thought of often during my cancer battle was Jackie Hance, a friend I made at the Wednesday Mother’s Club (WMC). The club meets once a week at a local church. Moms and their babies get together for a couple of hours. https://www.wmcfp.com/ Guess what day?

Imagine highly organized play dates with adult events happening simultaneously. There are evening community events as well. I made so many dear friends at WMC. I may need to write a separate post on my time there!

But I digress; holy moly was I intimidated by Jackie. She was beautiful, funny, and a great mom to three girls. I attended a board meeting at her home and wondered, how is she managing three kids, keeping her home spotless, and entertaining fifty wine-drinking ladies? She made things look easy.

Jackie was forever friendly and kind, and I admired her. I was more than ten years older, yet I felt like she was way ahead of me in the family/life department. I was a secret fan.

Then tragedy struck on July 26, 2009. Jackie, and her husband Warren, lost all three of their children in a car accident. It was devastating on so many levels. How do you accept losing your children?

There is no instructional manual available on how to handle such an event. Our Floral Park community immediately rallied around them to support them. But nothing we did would bring back their girls. How do you manage such overwhelming grief? The situation was (still is) unimaginable.

I wanted so badly to help Jackie, but how? I did the only thing I could – I prayed and prayed and prayed. I asked God to give her the strength to accept what happened. It’s been twelve and a half years since the accident, and I never close my eyes at night without saying a prayer for Jackie and Warren.

Their situation greatly impacted my family. Erin and Michael learned kindness, compassion, and genuine community. My husband and I became reminded of how lucky we were to have two beautiful children. We learned to never take them for granted.

The Hance Family Foundation https://www.hancefamilyfoundation.org/ (HFF) was born of this tragedy. “It was created from the love Jackie and Warren have for their daughters Emma, Alyson, and Katie. They have channeled their traumatic grief and loss into sharing this foundation’s mission and original self-esteem programs because their girls lived with enthusiastic confidence.”

Our daughter Erin participated in one of HFF’s original Beautiful Me programs. To date, Emma, Alyson, and Katie have touched the lives of more than 120K people through HFF’s Self Esteem Rising classes. They are impacting girls all over the world.

Erin won a debate in high school entitled, “Is God Real?” Her opponent argued God is not real, as evidenced by the tragedies in the world. Erin argued God was real because he turned the tragedy of three sisters into an opportunity to change the lives of thousands of others positively.

The Hance Family Foundation is proof that good can come out of tragedy. And, the effects of tragedy can positively impact an entire village.

You Can Survive Your Tragedy

Watching Jackie, Warren and Dick navigate the unimaginable proves to me that positive change can come out of tragedy. I have learned so much from them. Their accomplishments show you can survive whatever tragedy befalls you.

Look around you to see what others are going through. Can you learn anything from them? We had a horrible tragedy in New York City last week as two policemen were shot and killed. That event is what sparked me to write about handling tragedy. I sincerely hope something good can come from their deaths. I am praying for it.

Battling breast cancer was my tragedy, but it was nothing compared to what others have endured. Have you experienced a tragedy? How did you handle it? Did anything good come about as a result of it?

If anything I’ve written resonates with you today, please let me know in a comment below.

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