Being the Distraught Daughter of a Breast Cancer Survivor

Note: This is a guest post by my daughter Erin Rederscheid

When Mom was first diagnosed with Breast Cancer, I became the distraught daughter. I will never forget those moments in my life. That night we sat down for dinner, and she told me she was having her first surgery but that she was okay! The morning we sat down in my dorm room lobby, and she told me she was having a second surgery, but she was not okay this time. These are moments that stick with you forever.

Mom started this blog in the hope of beginning outwitting life, and I have watched her do that even if she does not believe it herself. She has been outwitting life since I have been able to remember, and I continued to watch her do it through her diagnosis, treatment, and remission. But, I have also watched my father, brother, and I figure out ways to outwit life with her.

It has been a journey we have all taken on together, and one thing that Mom can’t speak on, but what I think is important to mention on her blog is how we felt during this journey. So, here I am writing to you today.

The Big “C” Journey

We liked to refer to cancer as the “C” word. It was the forbidden word we never mentioned but thought about daily. When Mom was sick, it was so hard for me to stay focused on a task. I was a freshman in college starting this new journey I so loved.

I was supposed to be worried about when I was taking a nap that day or who to eat a meal with, but instead, I was worried I would get another call from my brother crying or a call from my father telling me Mom had gotten worse.

Some days I could focus on my napping, but other days I found myself driving home at 9 PM because I couldn’t bear being away from home any longer.  I constantly was coming back and forth from school to home, not because I had to, but because I was too afraid not to.

So much of me wanted to move back home and be with my family, but I knew that was the last thing my Mom would ever want for me.

As a family member of a cancer patient, you have to put on this face of confidence and strength. I had to be the strong one that kept Mom from crumbling. If she saw me cry, how was she supposed to not cry herself? I felt this obligation to put on a brave face every day and tell her it would all be okay, even though I did not believe it for one second.

I insisted on taking my mom to her first chemotherapy appointment. It was one of my survival moments where I felt I needed to do something to help her. What I was really doing was learning how to cope with myself.

The Distraught Daughter Living in Fear

I constantly lived in fear. I feared losing my whole world to the stupid dreaded “C” word. One day, it almost happened. She contracted Sepsis from an untreated kidney stone while going through radiation. Very scary! That was another moment in life I will never forget.

As the oldest child, I also felt like I needed to pick up where Mom left off. I felt this obligation to provide for my family as I have never felt before. It was like this survival mode I did not think I had within me. It is almost impossible to explain but what any family member will feel in these moments of crisis.

I knew Mom wanted to see me succeed. So, I stayed at Sacred Heart University for her. I stayed and studied and used my schooling as a distraction from my reality.

I luckily had something to focus on and a barrier that allowed me to function through my fear. It let me live in two different worlds, basically. I was blessed in that aspect.

A Challenging New Chapter

But, I watched that same fear consume my brother and father. I watched my younger brother Michael’s light go out. This once bubbly and annoying little brother was now consumed by fear and sadness that I forever wish I could have spared him. 

Michael was this little freshman in High School. He was starting a new chapter like me but instead saw the things I could shield myself from by remaining at college. He watched as my mother lost her hair and was so sick she couldn’t get up from the couch.

There are so many times that I prayed and cried that I could take those memories from him, but I knew I never could. So, instead, we would have late-night dinners together and random school night adventures that one time took us to Magic Fountain. It is our favorite ice cream place and is almost one hundred miles away! Mom and Dad were not happy with me that night, but it was well needed and worth it. In that memory, I was able to see Michael’s light shine through again, even if just for a moment.

The “C” word brought so much darkness to our lives, but it also brought so much light. I watched my family’s love for each other melt and glue together as I have never seen it do before. It brought a lot of doubt, but it also brought so much hope.

It will always be a part of my family, and honestly, at this point (now that it is over), something that I am slightly grateful for. I have never appreciated my life more.

Family Hugs Are Important

I have never emphasized enough the importance of family time, and I have never wanted a hug or an “I love you” more in my life. Michael kills me every time I beg him for a hug, but I know deep down inside that he understands what it means to me.

So, cancer, thank you for reminding me to hold those that I love tighter. Thank you for reminding me how precious life is. But screw you for messing with my Mama, and don’t you ever think you have the invitation to do it again.