After Twenty Years, My Mom’s Advice Still Lives in My Head

Yesterday was the anniversary of my mom’s death. Yet, after twenty years, my mom’s advice still lives in my head. She has still been guiding me in her absence.

She was seventy-one years old when she left us. Her mom had lived to be eighty-nine, so I foolishly thought she wouldn’t leave us so early.

She spent her last day frolicking around Epcot at Disney World in Orlando, Florida. Dad said she rode the ET ride and had a blast.

I take comfort in knowing she enjoyed herself on her last day. She topped it off with a steak dinner before dying from a massive heart attack. She woke my dad in the middle of the night and said she didn’t feel well. Dad got up and turned on the light. By the time he turned back around, she was gone.

My mom was brilliant; she had a quick wit that frequently made her the life of the party. She grew up in Brooklyn with her three brothers and four sisters. Her parents immigrated through Ellis Island from Donegal, Ireland.

Her dad died young, and Nannie (my grandmother) never remarried. Nannie was a strong, Irish Catholic woman who was my mom’s life force.

My mom watched her mom manage a household and raise eight children. Nannie had to do everything! And, she did it well. All of her children were successful. Mom carried on that tradition by raising four children, managing a household, and being the breadwinner. Her strength was admirable.

Even though she left us twenty years ago, I still hear the core advice she gave me when I was younger.

Mom’s Advice Included:

• Be careful and don’t do anything stupid.
• You can handle it, there is always someone worse off than you.
• Quality is more important than price.
• You won’t get yourself in trouble if you stay away from the places where trouble lives.
• Get over it, life is not fair.

Be Careful and Don’t Do Anything Stupid

Every time I was leaving the house, my mother would tell me to be careful and don’t do anything stupid. It drove me crazy. Did she not trust me? Why did she always have to say that? Well, I’ll tell you why. She wanted me to make good choices.

There were so many situations in my teenage years where this “line” came to the forefront of my brain. It made me hesitate to follow the crowd when I knew what they were doing was not a good idea. It’s probably the best advice I’ve ever received, and it has saved me from some pretty awful consequences over the years.

Whenever my children leave to go out with friends, guess what I say to them? I’m hoping it gives them enough hesitation to make good choices too.

You Can Handle It, There is Always Someone Worse Off Than You

Unfortunately, this is true. No matter how terrible your situation might feel, there is always someone else suffering a worse fate.

Both of our children came to us after years of infertility. They are miracles. In 2001, I took a break from fertility drugs. Mike and I were resigning to having an only child (Erin). Then, miraculously, I found myself pregnant with no drugs involved. How wonderful! We were over the moon.

At sixteen weeks, I miscarried. How could God let that happen to us? Didn’t he just bless us with a pregnancy? I could not believe it. I was so angry, and I could not stop crying. But then that little voice (mom) in my head kicked in. My sister had told me of a friend of her husband’s family who had lost first her sister and then her mother to cancer. They died within a year of each other.

The funeral was two days after I miscarried. I cooked a dinner of macaroni and cheese, baked chicken cutlets, salad, and bread and delivered it with a sympathy card. I did not know this person but making her a meal made me feel better. Although tragic, my miscarriage was a minor blip compared to losing a mother and sister in the same year.

Quality Is More Important Than Price

My mom liked nice things. She believed that quality was way more important than price. She could buy me a winter coat for $59 at Gertz that would most likely not keep me warm, or she could get one from Macy’s for $150 that would last me a few years and keep me toasty.

One day, we went shopping at Macy’s for a coat for me. I’ll never forget that when we got home, she told me she was leaving the coat in the trunk of the car. After my dad fell asleep, she would sneak out, retrieve it, and hang it in my closet. I was not to reveal the price to anyone. Ssssh!

That coat lasted at least four years. I loved it and took good care of it. My dad never even noticed it was new and never asked about it (or maybe he did but opted not to).

Anyhoo, we can blame mom for my quality clothing purchases over the years!

You Won’t Get Yourself In Trouble If You Stay Away From Places Where Trouble Lives

Gosh, I hated when my mother was right. There was this time in grammar school that we played spin the bottle. Does anyone still play that? A group of us were at someone’s house after school once when no parents were home.

Someone had the bright idea we should kiss in a bedroom instead of in front of everyone. It was not my idea, but I foolishly went along with it.

I went into the bedroom with the boy my bottle pointed towards, and he dropped his pants. A giant lightbulb went off in my head that reminded me getting in trouble is directly related to being in a place that would allow me to get in trouble. Egads! I pointed my finger at this kid and told him to put that thing away, or I would tell everyone else what he did.

I ran out of that room so fast without ever kissing him. I believe I was thirteen years old at the time. All I kept thinking on my bike ride home that day was, “that was what mom was talking about.” The lesson learned.

Get Over It, Life Is Not Fair

My mom was not a fan of playing the victim. No matter how tragic a situation, mom would have little sympathy. When I was a sophomore in high school, a horrific car crash took the lives of three teenagers and badly injured five others. I was very friendly with these kids, especially one of the girls killed.

I had been at the party with all of them the night they died. It was devastating. As one might imagine, I was distraught. I was sixteen and not familiar with death at all. About two days after the burial, my mom came into my bedroom and told me, “Okay, that’s enough. You have to stop crying and moping around and get over it. Patty dying will not be the only tragedy you experience in life. Life is not fair and often doesn’t make any sense. You can’t dwell on it; you have to move on.”

In my mind, she was the meanest mom around. Can I no longer cry? I don’t have a switch that lets me turn off my emotions. I was angry. Yet, everything she said to me was true. We have no control over the tragedies that may occur in our life. But, we can control how we react to them.

The older we get, the more we turn into our parents. Many things about me reflect my mother. I have her quick wit, sense of humor, and love for reading. She also passed along her sweet tooth to me! What I had really wished for were her legs.

Do you still have your mom or dad’s voice in your head? Have they given you any advice you have shared with your own family?

I was in Target a few weeks ago and bought a dish towel for my daughter. The saying on it was, “OMG, Mom was right about everything!” https://www.target.com/p/2pk-pot-holder-38-dish-towel-mom-was-right-bullseye-39-s-playground-8482/-/A-82890509#lnk=sametab Erin may not believe that right now, but I am confident she will eventually agree.

There are still times that I miss my mom so much that my heart hurts. I know that she prepared me well for this crazy life of mine but gosh, what I would do to get to speak with her again. She used to banter back and forth with my brother-in-law John and always ended with, “You are gonna miss me when I’m gone, John.” As usual, she was right.

Have I said anything here that resonates with you? Please leave me a comment below or shoot me a DM. I would love to hear from you.