Accepting You Have Cancer

It was 9:30 pm and I was driving home from a lovely dinner with my friend Denise when I got the dreaded call. There was no caller ID and I was driving, so I am not even sure why I answered the phone. It was Dr. Chen, the surgeon that performed the removal of a benign papilloma in my right breast the previous week.

My heart sank as soon as I heard her voice. I knew immediately that something was wrong if she was calling me this late at night. I quickly pulled the car over so I could concentrate on what she was saying. It turns out, while the papilloma was benign, and the surgery was considered a success, they found cancer cells in the margins surrounding the growth. I would need to have a lumpectomy. And, so my cancer story began.

I don’t think it is possible to prepare yourself for when your doctor says, “you have cancer.” For me, it prompted an almost out of body experience. I remember feeling as if the entire world was moving in slow motion. Did Dr. Chen really just tell me I have cancer? The whole thing seemed surreal. Luckily, for me, I received this news while with a dear friend who immediately began to “talk me off the ledge.” The doctor had said it was caught early, I probably wouldn’t need chemo, may not even need radiation. It was definitely at the early stages. Denise reminded me of all of this and told me I shouldn’t begin to worry until I had met with the doctor the following day and got the full story.

I don’t remember driving home that night. I also do not remember telling my husband about the call from Dr. Chen. I am convinced I was in shock. Who wouldn’t be? It’s not every day you get told you have cancer. Just the word gives you the willies, right? It’s like nails on a chalkboard – it goes right through you. My body still shudders if someone says the word cancer; the word simply invokes horror.

Word spreads incredibly fast when you are diagnosed with cancer. It is amazing! There is an immediate flurry of floral deliveries. No one seems to know what to do or say so they send you flowers. While this is lovely, it makes your entire house smell like a funeral home and that’s not necessarily a good thing at this particular point in your life. However, it is one of the first experiences that can teach you acceptance.

Here are the top five things I had to accept:

• I am sick and need treatment.
• My family and close friends NEED to do something for me and I need to allow them.
• I have to graciously accept the amazing acts of kindness people exhibit towards me.
• My body needs to heal in its own time.
• My life will never be the same as it was before cancer.

On the surface, this seems pretty logical, dare I say–easy, doesn’t it? It is not. It’s frightening, uncomfortable, and very challenging but also incredibly rewarding!

Accepting you have cancer is, quite frankly, awful. With no history of breast cancer in our family (on either side), how can I have it? Maybe it’s a mistake? I kept running through all these different scenarios in my head trying to will cancer out of my body. Maybe I could be a modern-day miracle? I prayed and prayed, yet to no avail. What finally made me accept that I had cancer was my first chemo treatment. It became very real that day! I let myself cry for a bit when I first woke up that morning. But, then I did what I always do – I vowed to look for something positive in the day ahead.

What could possibly be positive about having your first chemotherapy infusion? My daughter, that’s what. She put aside her own fears and insisted on taking me to the clinic for my first treatment. She brought magazines and a deck of cards to entertain me. I was so proud of the compassion and love she exhibited towards me. What a blessing she was for me that day!

Everyone feels helpless when a family member receives a cancer diagnosis. The people that love you are just as devastated as you are and they are looking for something to do to make you feel better. My advice is – let them help you. If they want to make you a meal and you feel completely nauseous, just let them and thank them profusely for the gesture. If they want to drive you to a doctor’s appointment, let them. Do your laundry, let them. You get the idea.

You need to accept these acts of love from your family and friends because they are on this journey with you. It is their way of showing support and it allows them to process the fact that their loved one has cancer. It is very important for you to accept the fact that this is not just all about you. Your spouse, your kids, your siblings, your extended family, and friends are all in this with you. The sooner you accept this the quicker your healing process becomes. Love kicks your healing into overdrive! This was a very challenging part of my journey. I am used to taking care of others not having others take care of me. I felt all out of sorts; it was a very humbling experience.

Speaking of humbling…the outpouring of love I experienced from my community was insane. From my book club ladies organizing a prayer and meal chain to the get-well cards, the fruit baskets, the restaurant gift cards, texts, and more. Every day something new arrived at the house for me (us). I’ll never forget the day the doorbell rang and I was home alone. I shuffled over to answer it and there was no one there. I thought I had been pranked and was closing the door when I saw a pizza on the doormat. It had a yellow sticky on it that said get well soon. How great is that? Kindness was alive and well in Floral Park. It was overwhelming at times. But, it was always awesome and amazing and lifted my spirits. I learned to accept being part of a community. It was an amazing experience.

The body is an unbelievable thing. When I think back on all the things my body was put through with two surgeries, chemotherapy, radiation, emergency surgery (with no anesthesia), sepsis and kidney stone removal, I am amazed I survived it all. It was hard to accept that my body needed to heal in its own time. I was very impatient. I thought, okay, my treatment is over, I should be feeling better by now. The reality was that my body had been through quite the ordeal and it wasn’t going to bounce back in a week. I needed to take it slow and accept that I couldn’t force my recovery. It had to happen naturally.

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And, you know what? That was just perfect because it allowed me to spend time with my newly retired sister. It allowed me to go to my son’s baseball games. It gave me the opportunity to write many long-overdue thank-you notes. I took naps without feeling guilty! It was great.

Life is never the same after cancer (or any medical challenge I would assume). I know this will sound hokey, but I swear it’s true – the grass is greener and the flowers are prettier now that I’ve fought cancer. I look at things very differently than I did before the Big C. My entire perspective has changed for the better. I value my family and friends more than ever. I have no patience for people that are negative. I surround myself with positive people and I look for opportunities to learn and grow and make a difference.

Cancer has had so many positive impacts on my life so far. I’ve learned that family and friendships are everything. Relationships matter, material things do not. Life presents you with choices and you can choose to be happy and look for the positives in life, no matter how dire the circumstances. Also, my mother was right, “adversity does make you stronger.” I wouldn’t wish cancer on anyone, but having experienced it, I have to say it has made me a better person and has definitely positively impacted my life.

Have you or a loved one experienced cancer? Did you struggle with acceptance? Could you relate to my challenges? Please share in the comments below.